| the power of memory: i was digging around on here this morning, reading through old posts and thinking about old days. i don't really know what prompted that, because for a little while now i've been pretty distant from this thing...i kept sitting down at the computer, hoping that i would have something interesting to say. i was of a mind (i love that phrase, "of a mind." it sounds so scholarly!) that i was just too old to spend a lot of time on this thing, and as a result i really haven't touched it or thought about it in a while. it was good for me to read all the stuff i said about matthew...i still remember those days with some pretty sharp relief, and it's reassuring to know that a lot of the stuff i wrote on here still rings true. i have a real problem with age and time lately; i feel so fucking old all the time, shuffling from class to class and sitting in the library at wsu, trying to get fired from my dumb job...it's not really a negative thing, but more of a reminder that some people grow up really fast, and i feel like i sort of had to. it's all past now, but it is still important to look back from time to time. just to remember where you've been. lately i've thought about matt a lot...there's been so much that happened to me in the last three years, and i haven't been able to ask him about any of it, or share any of it with him. that is still disturbing, and i still catch myself taking note of certain things to tell him later, even though i can't. i know that i can't, and it's not like i forget, but somehow it still feels good to know that he would want to know, if we could talk. he would still be interested. i still think about him calling me from ten grand's tour in germany, his voice so much smaller on the phone, from that far away. i remember him sticking the phone out the window, so i could hear the sirens from the passing german police cars. it was incredible. that was just the sort of guy he was. it's been a confusing year; a lot of hard times (coupled with a few questionable decisions) and i really would've benefitted from a solid 20 minute phone call from matty...still, i don't want to make this out that i'm having a hard time, or i'm not doing well. i'm poor as hell, but my life is good. i'm not always happy, and i'm not always where i want to be, but who needs that? i think the dullest and least productive times of my life have been when i've been totally happy; usually i forget that a little bit of struggle is good for you. i don't always like that, but it has been consistently true. there are a lot of things i miss about those days. i miss how happy i was to be in love when i was young, and how easy it was to tell people how i feel. it was so easy to be honest, i didn't have anything to lose, and so why not air yourself out on the internet for everyone to read? i didn't need to be guarded then, and i don't really now, but being an adult has made it harder and harder. sometimes american life can be so isolating, and especially when you're poor. and i am hella poor. but i understand that truly happy times can become difficult, scary things to thrive in, and eventually i will find someone to help me do that. i don't know when, and i probably have considerably more growing up to do before that's even an acceptable idea, but, whatever. i'll just listen to morrissey in the meantime. i want to marry him anyways. i don't know if this is a return to writing on here. i can't really remember why i needed to write on here every day for so long...i was so compelled, but i can't recall the catalyst. i would love to believe that there are still people who would read this and that what is happening with me would brighten their day, but i'm not sure. most of us have changed from the days when i wrote on this the most; i don't even know who will see this. but that's not so important. what's important to me is that i continue to document it, and i keep trying to be honest at every turn. it's hard, it creates a lot more problems than it solves, but at the end of the day, i find things still to be thankful for. i have a home and a purpose, i have people who make me unbelievably happy, and i live, and breathe. i was sitting on the porch this morning, wind whistling through the neighbor's bushes, watching a little old lady walk her dog, which was also little and old. she was just the cutest person, and the way she walked you could tell that she had trouble doing so. it could even be said that her walk looked painful, and i felt bad until she smiled at me when she walked by, and i automatically smiled back, because the entire thing was so incredibly nice. she had no reason to smile other than she was happy, and i had no reason other than i was happy too. i like that; despite the hard times (which are always present in some form), there are always reasons to smile, there are always things that are really excellent. it's easy to forget that, it's stylish to be dour. but i'm doing my best to avoid that, and to try to bask in the moments that seem really great to me, until i can secure something more concrete. i dream about being happy all the time. who knows when it'll come around again, it always comes as a surprise to me. so until then, i love you, friends, and hope that you are well. |
